twicethekisses

I know I don’t blog as much as I should, but that is because I am putting my writing to better use for the present time.  I will discuss that in detail in a later post.  But as mentioned in my previous post, the boys love the beach.  They begged for another trip this summer so I quickly made last minute reservations so they could have their 2nd visit to the beach this summer before school started back.  I figured they deserved it, even if beach trips can be exhausting both physically and mentally for me.  There is still that part of me that dreams of moving to the beach.  Then vacations would not be as exhausting.  Because we would be living in paradise.  But again, the boys have already been through so much change in their short little lives.   So this time I booked us at the last place we stayed as a family of 4 with Doug (nowhere fancy, but we were at the beach so that’s what mattered), and we visited some of the exact same places and restaurants we did in that last family beach trip just 2 months before Doug’s murder.  More salt in the wounds of losing Doug.  So I know this is a short post but here are some pics from trip 2:

goofballs just like their Daddy

with their buddy Crinson

Hello rainbow

We just recently returned from our 2nd ever beach trip without Doug.  It was equally as an emotional trip as the 1st, that happened last year.  I have said before, the beach holds so many memories, from vacations Doug would take with my family as teenagers, to senior week in high school together with friends, to many visits after, to our actual wedding, and then the visits as a family of 4 with the boys.  And facing facts, the beach is family oriented, especially where we stay.  So its like rubbing salt in the ever-present wound to go, but the boys love the beach, and I do in a bittersweet way, so we go.  And in that widow mindset where your life has ben flipped upside down and turned inside out, I almost dream of us living at the beach to have a new beginning.  The 1 major stipulation, our support system is 5 hours north.  And what a support system it has been over the past year and a half.  There are some who have stepped up and even put their own families 2nd to help myself and the boys and just typing that brings tears to my eyes.  And the boys have already been through so much change but the thought of virtually running away just myself and the boys is something that occasionally occurs, if I’m being truthful.  Not that it would ever actually happen, but still a thought.  So this post is just a quick one to say we survived.  When the boys wanted to go deep into the ocean, it is now I that goes with them, not Doug, their original beach playmate.  I videoed Braddock talking about boogey boarding without Doug and since Doug wasn’t there to help him he would have to paddle himself.  We are still surviving day by day, as that is all that we can do.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Psalm 73:26

I know so much of what I write about is in regards to the boys and sports, but it keeps us busy and busy is welcome in our lives.  We are now finishing up our Spring season of baseball with an awesome team and awesome coach.  The Moody Pirates are at the top of the leader board with another team in our age bracket, and I am so proud.  This is why I am proud:

Braddock and Sawyer have no male figure working with them at home with baseball.  I’ll go outside and we will casually play but nothing like practicing for real (I can’t pitch to save my soul and I purchased a pitching machine that pitches too fast).  They also take no paid classes at any local baseball academy.  And not that I am knocking those who do. And not that I am saying that we won’t do that at some point.  But the fact the only practice they get is with their coach and team and how far they have come amazes me.  They both hit well with the occasional strike out.  In the batting line-up Braddock hits 1st and Sawyer hits 4th, clean-up.  They both do well with infield positions (again some mistakes, but they are just 6 years old).  1 game Sawyer hit 2 home runs in a row and brought in 6 runs.  Another game Sawyer made a double play defensively and offensively had the game ending hit (we won).  There are plenty of other stats to report, but I’m too busy being their cheerleader on the sidelines to keep up with it all.  I always say the have an angel in the outfield.  I know Doug is smiling at their improvement (again, they aren’t perfect, but we aren’t playing in the MLB either).  I can only imagine how they would have improved if Doug were still here to work with them at home.  They loved any time they could get with him, and they love being outdoors, as he did too.

And this brings me back to seeing all the dads at the ballpark with their sons.  That is still such a raw thing to watch at times.  A teammate asked Braddock just last night if my brother was Braddock’s dad, to which Braddock said in his sweet little voice “no, my daddy died and is in Heaven”.  I know its because their teammates are used to seeing myself and my mom and when there was finally a male figure at a game with them, it must be their dad.  But sadly, that piece is permanently missing from our lives.   Mother’s Day is a few short days away.  And the man who helped make me a mom is not here to celebrate.  I’ve said before that we weren’t big gift givers, but I know what Doug would do if he were here.  He would have them sign their cards to me, then take them to somewhere like Dollar General and let them each pick out something for me.  In years past I just took advantage of knowing what was coming my way,  and this will be my 2nd Mother’s Day where nothing will be coming because Doug isn’t here to help the boys.

This will never get “easier”.  It is just our life now.  Things like a lady backing her car into mine yesterday while I was pumping gas, and the 1st person I would pick up the phone and call would have been Doug, of course.  But that support is gone forever.

So, on a lighter note, here are some pictures from the boys baseball season (maybe some action shots in another blog post):

Braddock and Sawyer finished up their 2nd season of playing basketball and went directly into their 8th season of baseball (If my math is right, though they are 6, I’m counting spring and fall seasons and all-stars).  It does not get any easier without Doug at their games, on the field coaching.  I still think of how happy he is in Heaven knowing how they’ve both improved in both sports.  Still plenty of room for improvement but I’m so very proud and wish I could share these moments with Doug.  I still have those thoughts that though he is in Heaven with our Savior, I wonder if he gets sad knowing how much he is missing being on Earth.  When I think about the future and everything he will be missing it is overwhelming.  And still unbelieving.  I still will walk into a room and randomly smell him and break down.  Knowing he is never coming home.

The boys know more about Doug’s murder than I had originally thought.  They asked questions the other night that I could not deflect and I chose not to lie to them.  They couldn’t understand why the bad guy wouldn’t just die alone and leave Daddy and Mr. Brian alone.  All tough things to talk about with 6 year olds.  I told them their Daddy was a hero and they will learn more about that as they get older.  I hope it softens some of the anger I already see brewing when they hear the story of that day.

They deserve to have their Daddy in their lives to be their male figure to look up to.  They asked me the other day if we could fish in the back yard.  Fishing was Doug’s love.  I don’t know anything about rigging a rod and reel with wire and hooks and bait.  But I guess if it comes down to it I will refer to my guide to doing manly things that Doug used to do, like unstopping drains in the shower, good old You Tube.

The boys also went to the eye dr for the 1st time where they were both told glasses were needed, which they were thrilled about!  They had been coming home from school with frequent debilitating headaches and their glasses are to help when doing classwork, computer work, etc.

I also recently sold my Jeep.  The jeep Doug and I bought when I was pregnant with the boys.  My 4 Runner was great but Doug insisted I have something new with no miles to drive our new family around in.  Thankfully it went to a family that I know and I feel better about it no longer being in my driveway.  Doug’s friend Jason helped me in the selling process as that’s normally something Doug would handle.

So now we are about to get full swing into baseball season with our ballpark family.  Planning another vacation to the beach, without Doug.  I don’t see that getting any easier either.   The boys have a school field trip coming up that I know Doug would have loved to be there for.  HE was a big kid at heart.  In a couple of months the boys will graduate from kindergarten and be moving on to 1st grade.  Yes, life keeps moving. And I’m thankful that I am here to see it all.  I’m just missing the other half that’s supposed to be standing by my side through it all.

at the boys fun run at school:

V-Day. sounds so similar to D-Day.  It is a day that I dread.  A day that is celebrated with spouses and date nights and small tokens to show love to one another.  It is my 2nd V-Day without Doug.  Before the boys were born Doug and I would rent a cabin in Gatlinburg and spend Valentine’s Day in the Smokey Mountains (we did this for about 5 years).  We didn’t always go out and buy big gifts in our 17 years of V-Days, but its been said that in a relationship every day should be celebrated as such.  To show each other your love on a daily basis.  Then the boys were born and my Valentine’s grew from 1 to 3.  And now that number had dwindled to 2.  And I am forever thankful for those 2.  But would do anything to have Doug back to celebrate with.  So instead of a low key Valentine’s Sunday this year at home with all 3 of my loves, I will celebrate with a hole in my heart.  I have ordered my own chocolates since Doug isn’t here to bring me something.  I will visit his grave this week and have a date with him there.  I miss every single thing about him.  The good and the sort-of bad.  The comedy and the long hours at work.  The love and pride he had for his family.  I still hear stories of him doting on his family daily to others.  Pulling up pictures on his cell phone to show the latest pics of the boys or a silly video he recorded of them.  Good gracious I still miss his silly texts throughout the day, a common one being 143, short for I love you.  So 143 Doug.  143 Forever.

1 Corinthians 13:7  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

This was us in Gatlinburg Valentines 2009, our last visit before the boys were born:

These 2 pics were from a Valentine photoshoot of the boys (the pic with Doug was a behind the scenes shot):

This past Friday was the Mother/Son Valentines Dance at the boys school, and here are a few pics from it.  :

(I began writing this post on September 23, but only now, a month later, can sit down and complete it.) 365 days. 1 Entire year. The length of time its been since Doug was so brutally and tragically taken from us. By “us” I mean every single person that knew and loved him. The last time we heard his voice and his laughter. So many firsts have happened in the past 365 days. Several I have blogged about. Many I have not. I interviewed with 2 news stations covering the anniversary of his death. These interviews were far harder than the ones I did initially following his death. Because so much has happened this past year. So much that Doug should have been a part of. But I have said from day 1 I do these interviews not to see myself on tv, but to honor the memory of 2 men who were taken far too soon, Doug and Brian. So much in the beginning was spoken of the murderer and his picture plastered all over the television, that when Doug and Brian’s names were publicly released I felt I couldn’t say no to the interviews, and I appreciated the media turning the focus on the 2 victims, not the cowardly murderer. Maybe one day this will change in the media, where only the victims are focused on.

I digress…

We have been helped the past 365 days by neighbors, coaches, friends, North Valley Church, family, strangers, Doug’s coworkers at UPS, I could go on, and for those people and I eternally grateful. A few individuals at UPS set up a memorial for Doug and Brian at their building. I truly did not think I could ever go near that building again, but when I found out the memorial was outside, Doug’s Dad and I took the boys to see it…probably for the 1 and only time unless the boys ask to see it again when they are older. We are blessed that the memorial will be there for as long as the UPS building will be there.

I want to attempt a list of what Doug was robbed of this past 365 days:

Sports:

1. the boys’ 1st season of basketball

2. almost 3 seasons of baseball without him on the field coaching (and this last season Braddock and Sawyer really improved and were rock stars in my book on the baseball field)

Other areas:

3. Doug’s 34th birthday, 9 days later my 34th birthday, and a few weeks later the boys’ 5th birthday

4. The boys’ attended their 1st Auburn game (Doug literally could not wait to take them to their 1st, but he was not there in person for this 1st)

5. Our 1st family Christmas card without him followed by our 1st Christmas without him.

6. Our 1st family vacation without him (to the beach)

7. The boys’ preschool graduation

8. First day of Kindergarten for the boys

9. loss of 1st tooth for Sawyer

10. 1st swim lessons for the boys

11. Heartwalk 2015-Doug’s baby at work-he helped link his UPS facility and the American Heart Association for fundraising for the Heartwalk. This year over 90 walkers participated in honor of Doug and Brian and wore t-shirts made in memory of them for this event.

12. A day I know I blogged about-the hardest day so far: June 21, the boys’ 1st Father’s Day without Doug and what would have also been our 12th wedding anniversary.

So that’s just a sample of the 1st 365 days without Doug. Some say it gets “easier” with time. I find this insanely hard to believe. How would it ever get easier without my soulmate? My partner in life? The father to our children? The man I have spent more than half my life with? I wake up everyday and for a split second think it isn’t real. That there is no way we have a life without Doug in it.

The boys saw me crying the other day and asked why and I told them I just want them to remember Daddy. Sawyer replied “if we don’t, we will just look at his pictures”. And my heart broke even more. To know that because of an act driven by Satan himself these 2 innocent boys will probably know their Daddy only through pictures and what we tell them.

So I will end with just love and appreciate all that you have because it can be gone in the blink of an eye.

Today is the day… the boys’ 1st day of Kindergarten. They have counted down to this day for months…”big school” as they call it. I did okay at drop off. Thankfully our principal allowed parents to walk kids in on the 1st day. I teared up leaving one of their classes (as I mentioned in another post they are in separate classes). Last night they expressed a little apprehension but this morning they were good to go…until they actually sat down at their desks. Then they became apprehensive again. My Braddock who usually insists on kissing each of my cheeks 3 times for a total of 6 kisses at 4k drop-off did not initiate a kiss at all today. I had to ask for a kiss and he made it a quick one:( I am anxious to hear how their day went. I think it will be more of a fun-filled day because it is also yearbook picture day. But either way it is not even noon and I am crying my eyes out. Thankfully they did not see me like this. It’s just another huge step in their lives to growing up that Doug is not with us physically to be a part of. I know I keep stating this in my blog posts but it still is so hard to accept. The thought that if I wanted to visit my husband it would be in a cemetery, is still so very unbelievable. I promise I do not just sit around and wallow in my sorrow, but the steps I am taking are a little too personal to share in a blog that is public. Though it is unfair my children were left with 1 parent at the age of 4 due to the work of Satan, I vow to strive to be the best sole parent (a term I feel is different than single parent) I can be. Again, all we can do is make it day by day.

Children are a gift from the Lord: They are a reward from Him. Psalms 127:3

Yesterday was Kindergarten Camp at the elementary school the boys will be attending beginning next week. They met their teachers and attended for half the day and ate lunch, followed by riding their after school care bus to the program that they will be attending. With the decision to keep boys together or separate in classes, for me the decision was easy. They have been in separate classes since 3K. The act better and are less dependent on each other. I also like the fact of them making their own friends. With that being said, it makes it hard on 1 parent. Thankfully my mom was with me yesterday. And I will need help in the future. But for the boys, it is best…or so I hope. It was an emotional day knowing Doug wasn’t with us physically. At the parent meeting “mom and dad” were referred to so often, and to the general public, this wouldn’t even phase them (even kids with divorced parents have a mom and a dad normally), but of course it could feel like a slap in the face to me. Add to that seeing my boys off to their classes, then 1 more bonus of one of the opening topics being safety and if there were to be an active shooter what would be protocol, and I was a mess. A complete mess. I am a worse mess typing this. Thankfully no one is around to witness my mess right now. The boys are beyond excited to attend “big school” so I hope to stay positive in front of them, especially when I walk them to class on the 1st day of actual Kindergarten next week. Doug should be with me for all of these firsts. I know, I know. He is with me, in the spiritual sense. But that doesn’t give the boys his hand to hold when entering school. That doesn’t give his arms and his neck as options for the boys to hug. And the list is endless for what all him physically being with us would mean. But he isn’t. And that’s our reality. Last week I went by Doug’s grave and sadly the grave looks less fresh. Grass is actually growing there now. It still feels so very fresh to me. Another tear jerking moment: this morning the boys woke telling me how they passed Daddy’s grave on the way to their field trip 2 days ago and said “Hey Daddy’s grave” and waved from the bus. Heart.is.shattered. Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”