It’s been a while…I think I opened my blog to public for a bit.  I’m unsure how long it will stay that way but I felt like writing a post today.

As the holidays are here once again, we are on our 6th Christmas without Doug.  Those who have never lived through our loss may assume that our grieving period is over and life is just fine again.   But here’s the thing…Doug was a massive part of our day-to-day lives, and he still should be.  My grieving is primarily focused on the boys these days and all that they have lost and are missing out on.  There is no replacing Doug.  He is their dad.  He was the perfect dad to them.  They will never get that back.  They are struggling so much more now as newly turned 10 year old boys than when they were almost 5 year old boys when he died.  As I feared would happen.  I obviously won’t go into details here as I don’t feel this is the place, but I just wanted to put in here that this is where we are right now.  There is only a handful of people we love that know the full extent of what they are dealing with on a daily basis.  And that is because those handful of people are our true support system and are those that I can trust.

So yeah, most of my sadness is for the boys.  Here is one detail I don’t feel I have ever shared here, I don’t remember a lot in those first days but I remember that day they confirmed it was Doug and I looked at my dad and asked “what about the boys?” Their worlds were shattered at not even 5 years old.

Yes we still talk about him of course.  Just days ago one son brought up the moment that myself and Doug’s brother were at their preschool and we took them with the director to the office to tell them. His memory of that day was so accurate. Things I had forgotten.  Another detail that I hadn’t shared to this extent yet, I don’t believe.  I waited to tell the boys until the day after Doug died.  I felt like I needed to wrap my head around what was now our life.  And I also wanted to give them one more day as normal children who’s lives weren’t turned upside down in a matter of moments.

I remember driving them home the night Doug was murdered.  Still in shock is the best way to describe it.  And that night I tucked them in our bed and I stayed on my laptop listening to songs that reminded me of Doug (the music lover) and cried as silently as possible while the boys slept next to me.  There are still days like that night where I try to silently cry when a memory of Doug hits.  As their sole parent, the boys deserve me at my best.  They don’t always get my best, but all I can do is try each day.

This year there is a thing “all the popular kids are doing”, and its to create a family cartoon Christmas portrait.  I decided to do ours and include Doug.  Because he’s still a part of us.

“They say death is final, but it isn’t. For the people left behind, the pain feels like it never ends.”