A punch to the stomach

I don’t write on here often anymore for public posts but felt the need to do so today. Yesterday was another one of those days…yes a holiday. It was Mother’s Day…here is where I am blessed. I have my mom still in my life. I also have my sons, the 2 reasons that I am a mom, who are both happy and healthy (and happy is a relative term because Sawyer had a very emotional time Saturday night over Doug not being here). But here’s what I don’t have on Mother’s Day. I don’t have the father of my children alive to help them shower me with gifts (they are 8…I know they can’t go shopping themselves). I’ve never been big on gifts, but one year along with the crafts Doug took them to Dollar General for them to pick out stuff for me. SO many moms shared similar stories of their blessed day from yesterday. I don’t have the father of my children to keep the boys quiet so Mommy can sleep in.  I don’t have the father of my children to keep them while I spend the day to pamper myself, not that pampering myself is even on my radar, but many mommas had that yesterday.  I don’t have him to take us to a family meal at my favorite restaurant to celebrate the day.  I don’t have the father of my children alive. Period. End of. So yeah, Mother’s Day is still a rough holiday for me. Next up will be Father’s Day and what would be our 15th wedding anniversary in June. The hits keep coming. But they have to because I am living and pray each day to continue being alive and healthy for my boys. And thankfully each day I am here though it’s an extra punch to the stomach on some days. I think of a dear friend today who is a young widow facing the 2-year anniversary of her husband’s sudden death. It brings the feelings of what that anniversary for me feels like. Its not just another day. It’s the day Doug was taken from us and the day our lives were truly forever changed. I know it’s hard to understand for those who have not experienced great loss.  Its also hard for those to understand that I’m not “over it” yet.  Again, they have no clue what this feels like.  And I truly hope that they never do.  There is no “getting over” this type of loss.  In widow speak we say moving forward, not moving on.  Moving forward because if we do not we become stagnant.  My sons deserve more than that from me.  But that doesn’t mean that there still aren’t tears for what we’ve lost or still aren’t those trigger days.  Today we are on our countdown for the end of the school year, the end of the boys 2nd grade year.   Just another moment Doug isn’t alive to celebrate.


Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Just 2 recent pics of the boys since I don’t post on here often (they had their 4th season of basketball this year…their 4th season without Doug):


About twicethekisses

I am learning daily the joys and trials of raising twin boys. This blog is to document the journey that includes double of everything, including twice the kisses.
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