An empty can of deodorant

It doesn’t take much to remind me of Doug.  I am generally thinking about him almost every waking moment of my days.  As time goes by I find it harder to know that life is moving on without him.   The boys are into their 2nd season of basketball and it hurts to know he will never be able to cheer them on in basketball or play with them in our driveway.  I do know that he is so proud of how they are playing without having him here for support.  Sawyer told me yesterday he has a girlfriend.  That too I know Doug would be proud of.  I can here him say “that’s my boy”.   Of course then there was the recent weekend that Sawyer was sick and he cried and cried for his Daddy.  It broke my heart even more knowing his Daddy would never be back to hold him while he doesn’t feel well.

I recently read the boys the children’s book “What’s Heaven?” by Maria Shriver.  I thought I was ready to read them the book that was given to us over a year ago.  I was wrong.  I couldn’t get through it without crying.  The girl in the book was also grasping with the concept that once in Heaven there is no returning to us on Earth.  I think my boys are finally understanding,  which is also heartbreaking.

So yesterday was an emotionally draining day.  One day I will share why.  Just not now.  But for now I will talk about the title of this post.  For so long after September 23, 2014 I refused to clean Doug’s sink that he brushed his teeth in.  Maybe it sounds gross to those who have not experienced such loss, but to still see his toothpaste stains gave me something to hold onto.  I have since cleaned his sink, all while the tears were flowing.  Yesterday I opened our drawer in the bathroom, you know the one.  That holds all randomness.  And his empty can of deodorant was sitting up front.  In no way should that can be up front from over a year ago yet there it sat.  I saved it so that I could smell it this smell him if I needed, and I forgot I had it.  Again, this may sound strange to those who have not experienced such loss.  Yet I still keep that empty can of deodorant.  There are just so many things I do not think I will ever be able to part with.  Parting with Doug was the absolute hardest thing I’ll ever endure.  So though we know he is in the greatest place of all, it is still hard to live our lives without his smile and his humor and his kindness and his love here on Earth.

Luke 23:43 – And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise.

These were pictures I recently found on an old cell phone of Doug and Braddock.  Doug had come from work for Braddock’s nasal surgery and Braddock was so happy to have him there:



About twicethekisses

I am learning daily the joys and trials of raising twin boys. This blog is to document the journey that includes double of everything, including twice the kisses.
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2 Responses to An empty can of deodorant

  1. Shay Bird says:

    I think of all of you so often…I can’t begin to fathom your emotions and how you continue to be such a great mother for your boys with a heart that may never fully heal. You are such an inspiration…

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