Hardest Day Yet

So Sunday June 21 has now come and gone. Our 1st Father’s Day without Doug as well as our 12th Wedding Anniversary. Complete and honest truth…it was the hardest day thus far for me since Doug was murdered on September 23.

Things we should be doing on this day:
You would attempt to sleep in on “your day”.

You would humorously constantly remind us that it was “your day”.

No doubt you would be fishing in some form or fashion. You were so excited for the boys to reach the age when they could go fishing with you on big water on a bass boat.

For our anniversary you would ask for dinner and a movie. You would request either the Avengers movie (but no doubt you would have taken the boys already to see that opening weekend) or maybe the Entourage movie. Your pick for restaurant would as usual be Cajun Steamer. You would win out for movie pick but we would end up eating at Chili’s, my favorite (we would just be thankful to have time not interrupted by two 5 year olds it wouldn’t matter where we were). But then during the entire meal we would talk about said 5 year olds. We would show pictures on our phones of the boys that the other may or may not have already seen.

We are supposed to be joking about how many more years our marriage would last.

Things “we” should NOT be doing on this day:
Skipping church service for fear it would just be too much on such a day.

We are not supposed to be wearing our pre-made semi-cheesy picture shirts to honor you, while purchasing balloons to visit your grave. I wanted to buy a “We miss you”, and “I love you”, a “Happy Anniversary” and a “Happy Fathers Day” balloon but we settled on orange and blue star balloons. Again, none of this is something that we should be doing on this day.

We are not supposed to be visiting as a now family of 3 your gravesite to release balloons to Heaven with messages on them in “hopes” you receive them.

We are not supposed to eat lunch at Burger King in hopes of avoiding all the Father’s Day celebrations at the large restaurants. (though the boys did enjoy playing on the indoor playground, for what that is worth).

For the remainder of the day I am not supposed to be remembering the past 4 Father’s Days that you had with the boys.

I am also not supposed to be looking at pictures from our wedding and remembering it as if it were yesterday, not 12 years ago, all while sobbing uncontrollably while our two 5 years olds attempt to console me, realizing you will not be here on Earth to celebrate another wedding anniversary with me, nor another Father’s Day with our sons.

-So today, 4 days after the worst day yet, I stumbled upon the 2nd verse of a song that is special to you and I. I remember how you would pretend to be excited when I would sing the 1st verse to you. Then once the boys were born we would both sing the 1st verse and instead of me substituting “please don’t take my Doug away” we would sing “please don’t take my Braddock and Sawyer away”. They would get such a kick out of it. But today as I leaned the 2nd verse of the song, I am in tears yet again.

“You Are My Sunshine”
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don’t take my sunshine away

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head, and I criedgetPart-8

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About twicethekisses

I am learning daily the joys and trials of raising twin boys. This blog is to document the journey that includes double of everything, including twice the kisses.
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