We just came back from our 1st family beach vacation without Doug. I cried more on that trip than I have in a while, usually after everyone was asleep. I sat on the balcony 1 night and it hit me how this was my 1st trip to the beach without Doug in 17 years. We started traveling to the beach with my family at age 16. So so many memories made at the beach. Our para-sailing nightmare which Doug could tell the story of and have everyone laughing about it. Our senior trip after graduating high school. Even our wedding ceremony was at the beach along with our honeymoon (we rented a beach house on the beach with a community pool near Seaside, Florida.) But to watch families having fun together and dads building sand castles and even couples walking hand in hand along the beach…it was a lot for me to take in. We have taken the boys on beach visits 4 out of 5 years that they have been alive, as a family. It will never be the same. Thankfully I did receive several God Winks, such as encountering several UPS trucks the few times we left the beach itself. Or one night while I was on the balcony alone in the distance the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole began playing. This song was a favorite of Doug’s. He would even make slideshows of the boys growing up to this song. And I had it played for his funeral. The boys and I had a 1 hour photo session by a hired photographer to document our beach trip as a family of 3. One extra sad moment was when Sawyer got hurt playing in the indoor water park where we were staying. As I was making my way to him, apparently a little girl kept asking Sawyer where his Daddy was (to help him in his injured state) and Sawyer kept telling her that he didn’t have a Daddy and that he was in Heaven. Sawyer was so exasperated that he had to keep explaining this fact to this girl. My heart broke even more if that was possible.