Where to begin? I have missed blogging through many events in the past year. I have attempted and failed because life got in the way. I missed blogging about 2 seasons of baseball for the boys, including our 1st season of coach pitch, which we just finished up. I also just missed posting about the boys’ 5th birthday. Uploading pictures on here has becoming challenging, thus my lack in posting as well. But the biggest life-altering event happened on September 23, 2014. Doug left for work that morning and never returned home.
I have 2 overwhelming emotions right now. Sadness and Anger.
Anger, a normal part of the grieving process. Anger for the obvious reasons that I will not detail. But also anger at things like it’s the holiday season and Doug is not with us to celebrate. He is not with us to help put up our 2 Christmas trees and decorate the house. Normally we would have done all those things by now. The boys have requested in the past week for me to decorate the outside of our home with lights. Anger that I cannot find it in me to attempt these things without Doug, yet if I do not do them, it will be depriving of our sons of even more than they have already lost. Anger that on Christmas Eve once the boys are asleep Doug won’t be up into the late hours assembling Santa toys, sometimes getting frustrated with the amount of assembly some toys require. Anger that I am even having to consider who will be able to help with these things because Doug was taken from us. There is so much more to Christmas than these things and both the boys and I know this, but the anger is still there knowing we can’t enjoy even the simplest parts of the holidays. Even anger (and sadness) that our family Christmas card will not include Doug’s picture or his name. Anger that I will hang 3 stockings on our mantle instead of 4.
Then there is the non-holiday related anger. Like at the fact I can’t eat Doug’s favorite foods without getting emotional (for example, spaghetti). Or listening to music because music was a huge part of Doug’s life. I will forever cry at the sound of John Mayer’s voice. Anger that I have to explain daily that Daddy will not be returning home from Heaven. Anger that 1 day when the boys find out the truth of how their Daddy was taken from us I will likely deal with 2 angry boys. Anger that my boys will no longer have their daddy to help them in sports or to be on the ball field during their games.
Anger that I live in a constant state of nausea. Anger that I no longer smell Doug in our home or hear his voice or hear him walk in the door from work. Anger that I can’t have his truck parked in our driveway for the memories that it holds or the questions it will provoke the boys to have. Anger that I feel I need to live in a bubble as the boys’ only living parent so that they won’t have to experience the loss of their mommy as well. At 34 years old these are all things I never imagined I would be thinking of, yet I am. As unreal as it seems everyday waking up, This.Is.Our.Reality.
I don’t question God in this. I know with certainty this was Satan hard at work on that horrible day. I know our God will get me through this.